And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
