Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
