Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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