Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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