i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
