i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
