do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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