Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
