I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
