Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
