my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
