Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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