Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
