I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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