I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you had me at cake vodka
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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