So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
