Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
