Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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