just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
