my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
