my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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