You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
