I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
