Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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