just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
