my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
