Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
either way he was missing a nipple.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize