Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
