I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
