woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
