Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
