did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
