I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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