i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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