shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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