census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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