I can feel you judging me through the phone.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
