i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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