I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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