So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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