textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
