John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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