my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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