I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize