one two three fourrrrnication!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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