I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
