I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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