bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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