On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
