you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
if only i could text you this smell
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
