I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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