A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
