Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
