The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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