He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
