i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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