my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
