Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You have to summon your inner elephant
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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