OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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