Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
